The cast of Twilight knows how to brood. They're paid well enough for it.

A hype the size of Twilight isn’t well suited for a regular review; cinematography, casting choices and dialogue are long overshadowed by an international wave of obsession. And that’s okay. But if you haven’t seen it yet, you might be wondering; should I watch Twilight? What’s all the fuss about? Or would I only agitate the fanbase by watching it, hating it and saying so? Am I better off left in the dark?

I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.

If above quote makes you gag, the answer is “no”. “No, don’t watch Twilight.” If you did pass the first test, please read on. In a nod to the theory that all stories originate from a handful of very basic plots; it is Romeo and Juliet, Ennis and Jack, only half the characters are technically already dead from the start, and there’s fangs and treeclimbing involved. Curious yet? I wouldn’t degrade such an intensely written story to the essence of another story; Twilight is unique in its own way. The question is; do these unique qualities amuse you, or annoy or even bore you near to death?

The Smell of Success
When Bella moves in with her father after her mother remarries, she starts at a new school. Introverted, enstranged and slightly awkward, her new life seems to revolve around survival, until a boy from her biology class grabs her attention. Edward Cullen is known to be good-looking, but distant, and his behaviour seems to be rooted in arrogance at first sight. But when Bella looks closer, she finds a more shocking, exciting truth behind Edward’s aloof behaviour. Edward, on his part, seems fascinated by Bella - particularly responsive to her smell, actually. I would be lying to myself if I pretended this would be a spoiler (because everyone knows Twilight is about vampires) - the smell of her blood drives Edward wild.

It seems there are a lot of smell-related matters revolving around Twilight, the smell of a success that has been achieved mostly thanks to English actor Robert Pattinson. Some of you may remember him from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire where he played Cedric. Robert has managed to make many a heart beat faster, especially whilst in the skin of broody Edward Cullen. Every detail of his private life, including the rumour that he smells bad (who doesn’t like a dirty boy?), has been broadly measured out by the press. There is no lying; if young, handsome men who brood well annoy you, you best not watch Twilight. Edward’s mysterious behaviour and his intense bond with Bella are the core of this film, and so you either need to be able to channel into a teenage girl energy (which is likely easiest for those of us who are, or were once, such teenage girls) or you need to just love, love, love vampires. Either way. Otherwise, you will probably drop out halfway into the film.

So Explicitly Innocent
Twilight doesn’t seem to be able to make up its mind. One minute it seems to be preaching abstinance (wait, wait, wait before you do it, or you’ll die). The next, it seems to be awfully fatalistic and nearly erotic for a teen film. Let me put it this way; I wasn’t a teenager that long ago, and when I was a teenager, we watched Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and that’s hilariously lightweight compared to Twilight. So there are a bunch of cliches passing by - the impossible love, the question of immortality, the place of the freak in society - I found while watching it, that it’s actually still quite heavy. On the one hand there is this dominant element of puppy love and blue eyes, the next there is Edward’s indeniable tendency towards masochism. Well, if you live forever, I can imagine you get so bored that you just start looking for trouble. He wants the one thing he can’t have, and he seems awfully eager to sacrifice his unlife for it. The first thing that would pop into mind is the word “emo” - emo teenagers are gonna love this trip. Torture, fatalism, enstrangement, feeling like a freak, etcetera, etcetera (if you’re reading this, emo teenager, you will grow out of it).

I didn’t even think teenager movies were fun when I was a teenager - I didn’t even think kids’ movies were fun when I was a kid, but this teen movie had me wrapped around its undead finger, having me move along in every wave intended, wondering what I would do if I were Bella. If you give Twilight a chance, it will very likely swallow you whole. Unless any of the previous remarks has made you gag, in which case you shouldn’t continue reading.

The Revenge
Twilight is based on a series of books, and so it’s unlikely you will find yourself disappointed by the sequels. Pirates of the Caribbean was not a trilogy, and you can tell from the “quality” (insert sarcasm) of the sequels (I dread the upcoming Jack Sparrow spin-off). Twilight isn’t going anywhere, either, but the story was written to be long - very long. So sit tight. This ain’t over ’till it’s all over. Should you watch Twilight? If you don’t hate stories about star-crossed lovers, if the sight of Robert Pattinson doesn’t affect your mood negatively, if you’re willing to be dragged along into the eternally torturous question of “love or life”, if you can watch 80% of all films without dropping out after a few minutes - yes. It doesn’t matter if the cinematography is good, it doesn’t matter if the casting was done well enough for the book’s standards - just sit down and be ready to unconsciously be injected with a whole lot of teenage angst, subconscious self-torture and werewolf chases. Oops, was that a spoiler?